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How much of this is her and how much is her job?

"I'm dating an investment banker and she never has time to see me"

I'm writing here to ask for help from people working in the investment banking industry. I'm a 25 year-old guy and I've been dating a 23 year-old female investment banker for the past six months. She's a junior in the M&A division of one of the top banks in NY, and I just don't understand how to read her.

We've had plenty of dates and have done all the usual stuff - meals in restaurants, cinemas, walked in Central Park, hung out in Brooklyn Botanic Garden. It seems to be going well, but I can't help feel she's holding back on me.

I know that banking jobs are demanding. I totally get that it's hard for her to have a relationship with someone who isn't in finance, but I can't help feeling that she uses her job as an excuse, and because of this I'm not really sure where I stand. For example, she almost never initiates contact with me and I'm always the one who has to suggest a date. Then, when we go on dates she sometimes falls asleep (yes!) and asks to go back home early.

I'm finding it all very hard to deal with. I only get to see her at weekends, and then we can't arrange anything in advance. Often she tags along with whatever I want to do - it's like she wants me to be dominant all the time because she's so exhausted from being dominant at work and doesn't have any energy left.

If you're reading this article on this site, I'm guessing that you work in banking yourself. Can you give me some advice on how to handle this going forward? How can I tell where I stand? If she becomes quiet and distant, am I supposed to just take it? How do I know whether she's having a crazy week, or just withdrawing? How much of this is her and how much is her job?

I'd appreciate it if you could leave your advice as comments at the bottom of this article. Thank you.

Lawrence Dale is the pseudonym of a frustrated banking boyfriend

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AUTHORLawrence Dale Insider Comment
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  • Jo
    Joy Yih
    12 October 2021

    Curious as to the outcome 🍿 I dated a IB for like 3 months. Literally had 5 dates total, and most of the time he was half an hour late because he’s still working.

  • Ra
    Ramji Govindarajan
    15 February 2021

    Pros:

    She really appreciates u taking initiative. As a former M&A Banker, Prop Trader, Hedge Fund Manager and a PM, I can vouch - we need our partners to be independent and also take the lead most of the times - the world in which we operate is brutally exhausting - we only want to go with the flow (just like in markets!).

    Cons: Her not initiating a connect and that you have to do it all the time is a big negative - there'll always be time for a quick text/miss u emojis.

    Biggest negative would be if she decides to break off the relationship you'd not see it coming from anywhere.

    You need to be aware of why she's into you in the first place. Arm candy? Only man available for the time being? Gullible? Naive? or she sees a future? At work she'd come across many charming, highly educated, suave, big money making macho guys - why is she into you in the first place?

    You need to be absolutely aware of if can you be the couple like in "Madam Secretary" - Dr. McCord who can be his own macho self and not be intimidated by a super achieving spouse? If not, be wary and tread carefully.

  • Gu
    Guest
    14 February 2021

    Stop being a simp and just leave her.

  • Jo
    Joana Laguna
    10 January 2020

    You understand that her job is extremely stressful and has to deal with a bunch of rude people and other bull shit like let her breath for a moment maybe take a break or something and she is only 23 i wouldn't let a guy ruin my career i would be the same tf

  • Bi
    Bigdoosh
    31 October 2019

    Find her hottest friend and bang that one when she's otherwise engaged

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