"I gave up my financial services career to care for my mum. No one talks about this"

I've spent over two decades working in the City of London as an analyst, but last year I took voluntary redundancy, and I'm now contracting instead. My mother is ill, and I want the flexibility to be there for her. 

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Mum was diagnosed with “mild Alzheimer’s” in August 2019. She was active, and by March 2020, she got Covid. She was lucky that, at 81, she didn’t need a ventilator. We're close, and I bought her to live at mine as I had a spare room and outside space. 

By September, I started a new job with a British firm. I agreed with HR that I could be at home four days a week. By the second lockdown, we were at home five days a week anyway. 

Working from home and caring meant I’d wake mum before the morning meeting, although she’d only get up after. She would prepare her breakfast; I’d make sure she took her medication. Much of the time, I’d make sure she was entertained while I worked and if the day was bright, as Covid wore on and lockdowns reduced in severity, she’d go out a bit, mostly locally unless with me. I never really told my team I had her at home, apart from those who needed to know. 

Into 2021, I had to go into the office more, as home working didn’t feel practical. So, I also made sure she had carers visit when I needed to go to the office. I barely did the social side of work, which is important as in my role there's a big drinking culture; I needed to be home for handover. 

The three days family leave were not enough when Mum needed cataract surgery and when she needed hospital visits for scans as part of a medical trial. Then I needed time off for her vaccinations. It didn’t help that my boss was a committed and loud anti-vaxxer; I didn't tell anyone and took holiday instead.

Alzheimers progresses. What was mild became more severe, and by 2022 we made the difficult decision to put mum into a care home. That also meant a lot of forms, visits and decisions. It felt empty when she moved, and I’d visit a lot. I had support from lovely friends, but at work I only told HR. 

When you work in the City, people think money solves your problems. That's not always true. Mum didn’t settle well at the care home; she always wanted to be out. After a fall, I had to make multiple visits to discuss her case. I still didn’t really tell anyone at work what was going on.

By Q4 2023, when the hat was passed for redundancies, I took it. There was too much going on and Mum had to move to hospital. It was a bleak time of year; she was heavily medicated. we were lucky, though: she got a bed. There are so few beds for specialist geriatric care that even if you want to pay, you cannot get one privately; it's a condition that's uninsurable. The hospital coordinated with care homes for her ahead of me visiting them. The system is a maze. 

Now, Mum is settled into a new home which is only six miles from me. She very much takes part in the life of the home.  I only need to visit on weekends. I took a contracting role for maximum flexibility. At my age, permanent roles won’t come about a lot, and as a contractor it's easier for me to clock off if I need to spend time with mum as she ages.  

I'm not the only person in this situation. As the population ages, more people will have to figure out how to care for elderly parents, and just spending money isn't the whole answer. Despite their talk on inclusivity, flexibility, etc, employers haven’t really thought about how their employees will also fulfil elder family responsibilities. They need to.  

Toby Marshall is a pseudonym 

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